i love her
and i let her go today
i want only her
but said that i want to fuck other women
what does that mean
why i did that
i mean if even wanted somebody else
id be happy now but i only want her
why did i say and write what i said and wrote today
it makes no fucking sense
am i dumb
or scared
am i that of a pussy
that im scared of real commitment
real honesty real blame
i mean blamed everything on me
she did too
i changed
not changed
realized
that she is the one
and that no other whore is worth a fuck
and she fucked me again
how she loved me before
and i fucked her
like i always will love her
no one fucked like we did
i want to fuck her again
everyday
i cant live without her
her remedial sultry subservient body
the only carnality worth dying for
i want to pry on that pungent scent
there are no words any more
how i miss her now
what i write is useless
and meagre bullshit
what did i do
why did let her go
she was beginning to be mine
i was always hers
my mind is itinerant
i cant control myself anymore
im fickle and lost
what did i do
what do i do here
i killed her with such an astute smack
why i do that
to her
to myself
what does this prove
my actions and words are inept
i wrote about it earlier
about dissolving my mind
i think im here
i want to throw away everything
whats good for me
why do i want to do that
why cant is just stick by what makes me happy
what gives me power to survive
why cant i work and fight for my dreams
and for the people who i love
and who love me back
why do i do that
why do i hate them and myself so much
why why why
god i suck
but really though what the fuck
did i just did
i hope its for the best
i hope this makes sense
i dont know any more
i just want to touch her
i just want to be happy
go on with my life
do what i love
with the people i love
but i cant somehow
i just cant
my mind says no
and i follow
till desiccation
where is this virile lover now
crying over his laptop like a fucking teenage girl
i will never forget the moment when you came to emser str
in your tight jeans shorts and that shiny turquoise shirt
i just wanted to say one true thing to you
no matter how silly it would sound
because now that i heard your voice again everything changed
but before i even could gathered my wits i condemned myself to eternal shame
i want your sap oozing from your legs
your warm feline odor and your hair in my mouth
my eyes are closed
we breathe warmly into each other's mouth
close together
death three thousand miles away
to have you here in bed with me
breathing on me
your hair in my mouth
i counted that something of a miracle
nothing could happen now
while i was rewarded for all my struggles and heartaches
in just watching you
you asleep
i decide
i cant hurt you again
i cant and will not make your cry for me again
thats why
thats why i cant be with you
im a bad man
and i dont want you to deal with that shit
i want you to be happy
and i want to make you happy
but i dont know how
i just dont know
i just cant
i want to be near you so bad
but you dont deserve shit like me
i fucked your over once
i didnt learn my lesson
now i remunerate myself
for all my future wrongdoing
