wake up

i wake up
and the first thing i feel is loathing
i fall into a cave with the opening of my eyes
darkness falls over me with the sunlight coming into my room
im scared
again
im paralyzed
again
i do not know where to go from here
i know i wanna do this
my heart is aching for it
but why is my queer mind fighting it
sending me into these day dreams of failure and doubt
questioning my every move for me
when i already decided that im happy with it
why am i always against me
never on my side
they took that from my heart
they screamed they love dis
and then chose mundane acceptance over us
how can i trust anybody after that
murderers are better than this
and now they try to slime their way in again
from all sides
its a lie
im seing spots
cant concentrate
nothing works
i just wanna create
longing for fast amusement again
when i have my plan planed out
write
please write
is what im screaming to myself
as im crying into a txt again
that i can hold my thoughts
im watching myself 
destroy another day
hope this over soon
i think at 10 am
we will see how it will be tmrrw
when i wake up again...