passion

passion is what im missing
in the world and your eyes
im a zealot for my impetus
even if im wasting away
better to burn out
than to fade away
i tell a therapist

i miss the elevation
of the hunt
the taste of vivid flesh
the pumping blood
the ferocious scent

blazing eyes
ruby lips
inspiring body language
something to write home about

just a glimpse
o demiurge obey my howl
and grant me the queer sap
of subservient prey

the relish of another human
the materiality of another heart
injecting its vibrancy into each other
a well of zest
if cooked right

allow me rapture
feed me with your lust
im craving departure
only you sell soul
only you grasp eternity
your loin the answer
your emotions scarred
relieve them for us
do not kill them with
examination after examination
believe in the only remedy
a quick fix you can say
a shot of smack
a slap in the face
good morning luv
and thank the gods for passion

wake up

i wake up
and the first thing i feel is loathing
i fall into a cave with the opening of my eyes
darkness falls over me with the sunlight coming into my room
im scared
again
im paralyzed
again
i do not know where to go from here
i know i wanna do this
my heart is aching for it
but why is my queer mind fighting it
sending me into these day dreams of failure and doubt
questioning my every move for me
when i already decided that im happy with it
why am i always against me
never on my side
they took that from my heart
they screamed they love dis
and then chose mundane acceptance over us
how can i trust anybody after that
murderers are better than this
and now they try to slime their way in again
from all sides
its a lie
im seing spots
cant concentrate
nothing works
i just wanna create
longing for fast amusement again
when i have my plan planed out
write
please write
is what im screaming to myself
as im crying into a txt again
that i can hold my thoughts
im watching myself 
destroy another day
hope this over soon
i think at 10 am
we will see how it will be tmrrw
when i wake up again...

history repeats itself

so i have this little theory
i think some modern philosophers and podcaster (lol) already talked about it

my theory is 

all over the globe we going into another high rise of nationalism 

duh! you say 

of course we are

yea yea i know but listen

so as we are again in the 20s

and the oppressed having a good run 

like the 1920s queer europe is snorting, fucking and thinking
even boasting to everybody about it

the puritans do not like that

they hate it actually

and as they colonized most parts of the world

they rule them too

for now

so my question is

will we just fuck, drug and discuss away our moment

until all the 'strong men' unite their plebeian armies

with promises of heavenly justice

transcendental xenophobia

lies of a pure realm

through all out war

more reclusiveness

more isolation

national paranoia

no science

no empathy

just the state

a just state

but only for those who obey the rules

rules passed down by god 

a politician who wasn't fucked right for years

or fucks all the time

who can say

not me

cause we don't talk

we accuse

we write our articles

we have our demonstrations

while they gain more minds

more workers

more slaves

more soldiers

people who kill for them

the master is always right

HE SHOWS US THE WAY

like they did before

who gonna win the gas chamber lottery this time

as history repeats itself

years

as the days fly by
im concerned
im scared
its a constant state
my mind
rambling
what am i doing
where am i going
i know
i believe
but what if im wrong
ha! but that is exactly that
as im writing down the words
'but what if im wrong'
i am laughing inside
they planted this thought
im just thinking it
i refuse to do it again
i will write
i will succeed
there is nothing else
there is only time
work and time
i will waste some of it
as i will use some of it to grow
cause the harvest of past moons speaks for itself
just keep on truckin
and time will tell
look at this in another age
and tell yourself
you see!
it only took couple years

soft dude

ima soft dude

loungin away my life

another toke

another dope

a cool cat 

with lil to do

wasting away

a junkie

to lazy to go full burroughs tho

but pretty much what i remember of bukowski

not a wino tho

too much sauce makes me feelin' sickly

not exactly spun

my nose kicks out pretty much every unwanted guest these days

not a coke head anymore

marching powder really not hitting the notes

and do not get me started on all those pharmaceutical magic pills the kids are into

cause im not gonna get high by filling the mans pockets

satans lettuce and good old LSD

my vacation of choice

the little albert h.'s are for now not an obstacle 

actually improving our conditions

but the acapulco gold

man

dude

what a trip

really hooked

cant stop

wont stop

diddy dancin

on those neurons

will it have an impact?

will it render me a dull potato

or will it ensure my inventiveness

curse or blessing

peace or wastage

a hep genius

or a forgetful geezer

we will know when we know

still some left

spark it

and switch off!

enjoy it today

and forget tomorrow

cause one thing is for sure

you do no harm

when you a soft dude

hello there summer

what a star

intelligent one

conversations hella easy

body language intriguing

reacts elevated

thank the gods somebody still pays attention

to what i have to offer

different to this city

it closes its mind

it closes mine

it tells me it feels

but what it does 

i cant decipher

maybe we speak unlike languages

maybe we drifted apart

maybe i enjoyed too much of what it had to offer

and now its used up

a dry well

a funky city on the outside 

but tasteless in its core

and i praised ye to the gods

i held up high the flag of freedom

which i linked to this place and its people

but what if the exchange made the place

and the place in itself was miserable 

as all the places are

maybe you are not special

maybe we are not special

but the moment is

and im enjoying it

thank you for listening

why do i do not

im lazy

or am i reloading

im wasting time

or am i taking in new information

another stupid youtube video

or modern political satire

the same old men on my screen

or a manifestation of what is to come

am i a lead

or am i fake

a voice of a generation

or just a follower of mainstream media

am i a pawn

or a puppeteer

a do'er

or a don't

always fighting those two

never on the same page

or am i missing something

is this the accumulation

the words of a walking, talking paradox

or just 'normal' human expression

you bored already?

i know thinking is tedious

who knows really

i certainly don't

yet

but surely with time

we will all know

something

maybe even more

who knows

im retired

 after 20 years i retired from the music scene today

20 years of pushing the envelope

20 years of being right

20 years of fighting for the small guy

20 years of hoping they understand

20 years of riding and trying to explain the waves

20 years of youth culture

20 years of youth problems

20 years of the next big thing

20 years of kids doing it big

20 years of songs

artists

and managements

budgets

projects

concerts

and spectacles

so many lights

so many warm hugs

so many happy faces

20 years i gave y'all my heart for what felt like 15 euros a pop

and you swallowed

got you all trained!

ON MY MARK!

BE HAPPY!

and you did

y'all came

y'all finally came when i called

what a rush

thank you luv

in those 20 years

you've been a good boy

did i made money you ask?

i do not know

im no businessmen

i like the style chico

i like the vibes

for 20 years i played it cool

20 years i did that

20 years of cool

20 years of counting cash

20 years of white gurls shakin their ass

20 years of black girls shakin their ass

20 years of savagery

20 years of hotel rooms

20 years of green rooms

20 years i had wifi in your favorite night club

20 years not paying for entry or drink

20 years i've seen all the cubicles

20 years it snowed

20 years drake had a hit song

20 years house has its comeback

20 years of the same dj's playing everywhere

20 years the djs changed all the time

20 years the new kid had a hit

20 years they played the same once again

20 years i tell them to learn cdjs (maybe only 5 years im telling them that if im completely honest)

20 years they bring controllers

20 years i push everybody

but in 20 years only a few understood

so many years so many faces so many songs

and they still find you something new

something only they will get

something only they will feel

something which is purely theirs

made in their childlike loins

felt with their childish hearts

to be 20 years again

and tell them

show em all over again

a dream only they can live

but i am alive

i am awake

and totally not dead

my loin is pumping!

and ready to go...

but do not ask me to party 

cause i am, as i said

retired

i fear

i fear everything

i fear you 

i fear me

i fear us

i fear them

i am frightened by phone calls

i am frightened by conversations

i am frightened by women

i am frightened by mundane work

i am frightened by ignorance

iam frightened of the empty page

i am not frightened by art tho

magic

love

peace

and understanding

cinema, and its wizards

by prose, and its composers

they dont frighten me

i need them

they take away the fear

they are the hero in my epic

can i elevate if i have gods tho?

will those gods ever listen?

am i butchering my creative freedom by praying to them?

what is idolatry if not opium 

or a sinking ship

i need to be the captain

riddled with fear

but still 

i need to listen to me and my gut right?

i cant let the voices deny me my power

all the small minds

all the mundane tasks

it seems like i never heave myself out of it

but i have to

i really do

another go

another round
another go
over 400 hours in this bih
cant stop
wont stop
love it too much
i enjoy it
it helps me
it is freedom
for a couple of hours i can breathe
i am the king
the emperor
humble beginnings
barbarians lurk everywhere
city states to be found
trade established
flourishing Babylon
new horizons
the sea, the land, the air?
explorer or colonizer
friend or foe
a great statesmen or an unhinged overlord
all in your palm
season pass on sale
steaming railroads
airplanes connect your people
your culture broadcasting over your countries borders
they buy your jeans
they listen to your music
do they believe in your god?
talk to them and find out
or cleanse the lands from their ignorance
a fun afternoon
lot to see here
pop by sometime
lets rule the world together...

are you listening?

 a new form

free

unedited

changeling

moving forward

excited

new power

new lane

every odd 7 years it would seem

i transcend

im scared of it

very lost in my own intellect

but the empty page is calling me

dim words

dim heroes

i charge after them

ginsberg, thompson, kerouac, acosta, baldwin

i cry out for your help

nwr, pasolini, jarmusch and jodorowsky

show me the light 

the shadows

the angles

the wizardry

the wizards of my realm

godlike figures dancing and fighting in my cranium

old faces decorating the mosaic of time

my only wish is to join

my pain 

my tumor

my propulsion

me

not them

a different arrangement 

entanglement of my own episodes

interweaving of MY circumstances

needles comparison

stop it

pick out yourself

distinguish, identify, notice

train to love it

exploit it

feed it

crown it

your version of it

your narrative

your feelings

your gut

listen

open your eyes

feel

open your heart

warmth

is around you

life

is truly beautiful

to the keen observer

do not get scared by the testing

do not listen to the doubt

be the observer not the critic

and do not let your mind isolate you

as you did before 

you did it all

seen even more

powerless through your own fulfillment

a pig in a blanket

oh i know you yearning the blanket

i know you

lethargic troglodyte you

i know how comforting it is

just shy away

show em the finger

they do not understand you

you alone

always alone

you tell yourself that

one more time and you will start to believe it

its not true

the only gospel is

you mother fought for your life

your mothers parents fought for your life

they gifted you that dance

apply it

water it

worship it

heal

be the transhuman warrior you always joke about

whats stopping you?

who holds your back?

only you?

no

everybody

nobody

your head

your heart

your soul

your emotions

your hunger and your thirst

all of it starts and ends with you

just you

fun-size package of joy

tell em that

tell em you need time

tell em this is important to you

tell em nic cage smooches good

tell em that

and most importantly

tell em not today chief

cause its your life...

i know you heard it all before

but did you listen?