There I was again, drinking, smoking, snorting, sitting with people more eloquent and intelligent than me.
Uncomfortable people, uncomfortable conversations, uncomfortable me.
A place like all the others in this hell of a city. Dark, new, hip, bad beer, filled with all these lost souls trying so hard to be the next shit. Artists, actors, musicians, writers and me.
Everybody has someone, has something to hold on to. I’m holding a bottle, i still have cigarettes. The bottle gets empty as i try not to lie too much to myself or them.
Lies, that’s the other thing, do they lie, do i lie? I lie. Constantly.
Ordering another bottle, I hole up for small bump, smoke one cigarette after another.
Lies. Everybody lies. But why is it that the only thing that makes my day a little brighter are these small lies. Important or not. Crucial or dinky. About everything.
My day, my so called friends, my jobs, my money, my drink, my smoke, my snort.
As the people get more and more tucked behind there interesting conversations about Kant und cunt. I order two bottles. Smoke two tabs, try not to loose my shit after the uncounted lines i did alone at this fucked up shitter somewhere to far from home.
Home, is there any. Is this home? My answer. My only truth, am i good company, why they have me here, why i have me here.
My heads spinning, my mouth talk gibberish to the one i was holding eye contact for hours and after various drinks finally i had the balls to sit next to her and say something like
"so you an artists, yes?"
Stupid. Dumb. She touches my leg. I order scotch and water. Think too much, say too little. She gets distracted.
Handsome guys everywhere. Bet he never had to work 8 hours at some building site to pay for his so called art. For his decisions. For his failures. For his life. I have my tongue in her mouth, tastes like ashtray, but i didn’t wash me or my mouth for days so who gives a fuck.
My head spinning. I try to get focused, but the drugs and booze won’t endow me this today. I loose it. I loose her. I loose myself.
I go without paying, even left my jacket. Wandering, dark, alone.
Still have cigarettes.
