as I take an Adderall and build up a swisha, something is opening up in me
do I feel uncomfortable here in bremen? am I surrounded by creativity as well as culture?
or are the patterns that engulf me rather dull and will lead to feuds
this situation is most diverting and pushes me in an opaque, lonely state
which I obfuscate with caper, despise and isolated reverie
for the greater part mental isolation, followed by extended reverie
are these the times that try mens souls
as a manipulative self-centred conniver
I only seek for me an island of tranquillity in a sea of chaos
where my life, which was more of a tragedy than comedy
and my self-protecting, clownish character is understood and not
deducted as a distracting lint by mundane rules
I am superior - supreme being - child of the Renaissance
at times indifferent and wicked
always aspiring the godheads (but unfortunately not vice versa)
and that recoils against reluctance
disfavour based on adversarial bigotry
which is worn like a twisted badge of honour
of course secular affairs can fulfil somebody
but not me
there is no enigma, no dignity
nothing classical or poetic
I feel like comic pornographer surrounded by a rabble of prostitutes
all my life I was in search of my intimate truth, it became a permanent blur in the corner of my eye
and when something nudges it into outline it is like being ambushed by a grotesque
in particular such transient minutiae, which never bothered me, will never bother me
I saw places, I worked jobs, I endured situations - a frugal mind can't imagine - has no desire to ever invent
still it (the frugal mind) doggedly impute that I am not worth the praise - that I am vile - as it sees itself as honourable and righteous - of course I differ the appeasement in being an ant instead of a fly
I am not Hamlet of the king in my life's play
Rosencrantz or Guildenstern is more like it
but even the fact that I do listen to Boccherini while I write this
or think of my life as homage to the beauty of the world
the apotheosis of nature, culture and art
makes me the opposite of a feral chazzer
I try not to be quarrelsome
maybe I changed to much for this lovely little town
maybe I should leave things alone
be a spectator
choose wisely when to emerge
when to be the lead, when to rattle
vigilance is now essential
but do I want to be vigilant for witlessness
do I want to tenaciously dwell upon a persona
with no passion to flee or fill a self-imposed void
maybe I will never reach the highest standards of excellence
maybe I will never have the sway of yeezy
the benevolence or the riches of the world
maybe I will never have anything to write home about
but I know a couple things
that overjoy me in times like these
I am an actor
the opposite of people
I need an audience
I found Ophelia
in her excellent white blossom
I know about death
cheap mechanic of melodrama
and I found a place where
they clap when the curtain is drawn
where my insatiable indulgences are an indulgence
riotous Berlin my friend
your favourite ghoul
has to return soon
will you still appreciate me
you caught me in better times
I was a purist then
you made me an atrocious fiend
after your image
its the perfect day
Feierabend - home from work
you - naked in my bed
we will be hungover
and I will feed you with food
and myself
Cause it's a full life, if a trifle banal.
